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| No.24 is me. The last one among applicants. |
It was the day, 24th of October,
2010. It was the last day of interview for the KMLA 16th waver selecting
draft. Traditionally, male applicants of KMLA have to run 4 kilometers in 30
minutes and female applicants have to run same distance in 35 minutes. The ‘running’
starts after the interview. With the sound of ‘bang’ from the PE teacher’s gun,
every applicants starts running, and each program assistants have to watch
their applicants’ running.
Before the 24th of October, I
was concerned about that ‘marathon’. Other students must be concerned about the
interview itself, and they were actually preparing for it. However, as I haven’t
exercised for more than a year, I was afraid of not being able to finish the
running in given time. And I had 6 days before my interview. I ran and ran
every night. Even during the practice, I wasn’t able to finish my race in 30
minutes. My best record was 43 minutes.
My last interview was about my major. I
wasn’t in a good mood because of Dr. Han and Dr. Na. They asked some university
level questions to me, and of course, I couldn’t answer to them. I went out
their room in bad mood, and I realized that I met the most difficult task of
KMLA newbie draft; the race. While I was changing my clothes, I thought, ‘hey,
I might be the one who will be the leftover of the race… damn. It’s not my day.
Well. Let’s try my best!’
My father always said to me; ‘keep your
pace, don’t follow others.’ I was reminding myself before I began to run.
BANG!
The sound of gunpowder’s explosion hit my
ear. I started to run. However, most boys were running out in enormous speed,
and I was running among girls. Well, of course I thought it is humiliating, so I started to move my
legs faster.
Of course, I was exhausted after a lap; the
3rd lap.
‘Oh, man. I’m doomed. Why did you use all
of your energy in your very first lap, you idiot’
My body started to decrease his speed
himself. I was having hard time to go left laps. According to my father, he
took that picture when I started to decrease my speed. After taking photo, he
yelled to me. “Run! You idiot! You can do it!”
At the very last lap, I wasn’t able to run
anymore. My heart bumps irregularly and my leg didn’t have power anymore. At
the time, the senior, Han Jinwoo from 14th waver, the PA of me,
started to run with me. It was so, so sorry and thankful for him. However, I
was time outed; I came in in 34 minutes and 40 seconds.
With these episodes, also with the fact
that I’m in KMLA, this photo reminds me of my life in my hometown and that
extreme situation I met during the race. I think I’m not running as hard as
that time. I’ll run harder than that, and will succeed my dream of University.
GRAMMATICAL CHANGES:
답글삭제It was the (DELETE day,) 24th of October, 2010 - (DELETE It was) the last day of SELECTION interview(s) for the KMLA 16th wave (DELETE r selecting draft). Traditionally, male applicants of KMLA have to run 4 kilometers in 30 minutes, WHILE (DELETE and) female applicants have to run THE same distance in 35 minutes. With the sounds of a "bang" from the PE Teacher's gun, the (")running(") starts after the interview, and (MOVED With the sound of ‘bang’ from the PE teacher’s gun) (DELETE every applicants starts running), and each program ASSISTANT (DELETE assistants) (DELETE have) HAS to watch their applicants’(DELETE running) PERFORMANCE.
Before the 24th of October, I was concerned about that (")marathon.(")
ORIGINAL: Other students must be concerned about the interview itself, and they were actually preparing for it. However, as I haven’t exercised for more than a year, I was afraid of not being able to finish the running in given time.
CONSIDER REWORDING: While other students were more concerned about the interview itself, and busy preparing for it, I was more worried about the race. I hadn't exercised for more than a year, and I was afraid of not being able to finish within the given time.
(DELETE And I had 6) SIX days before my interview(,) I ran and ran every night. Even during the practice, I wasn’t able to finish my race in 30 minutes. My best record was 43 minutes. I FELT DOOMED.
My last interview was about my major. I wasn’t in a good mood because (DELETE of) Dr. Han and Dr. Na. (DELETE They) asked ME some university level questions (DELETE to me), and of course I couldn’t answer (DELETE to) them. I went out OF their room in bad mood, and I realized that EVEN STILL I HAD YET TO MEET (DELETE met) the most difficult task of THE KMLA newbie draft(:) the race.
While I was changing my clothes, I thought, (")Hey, I might be the one who will be LAST TO FINSISH (DELETE the leftover of the race)...damn. It’s not my day. Well, let’s try OUR (DELETE my) best!(")
My father always said to me(,) "Keep your pace, AND don’t follow others." I was reminding myself OF THIS ADVICE before I began to run.
BANG!
The sound of gunpowder’s explosion hit my ear. I started to run. However, most boys were running out WITH (DELETE in) enormous speed, and I was running among girls. Well, of course I thought it WAS (DELETE is) humiliating, so I started to move my legs faster. Of course, I was exhausted after (DELETE a lap;) the 3rd lap. (")Oh, man. I’m doomed. Why did you use all of your energy in your very first lap, you idiot!(")
My body started to decrease ITS (DELETE his) speed BY ITSELF (DELETE himself). I was having A hard time to COMPLETE THE REMAINING (DELETE go left) laps. According to my father, he took THE (DELETE that) picture ABOVE when I started to decrease my speed. After taking THE photo, he yelled to me. “Run! You idiot! You can do it!”
IN (DELETE At) the very last lap, I wasn’t able to run anymore. My heart BEAT (DELETE bumps) irregularly and my leg(S) didn’t have power anymore. At the time, MY PA, the senior Han Jinwoo from THE 14th WAVE (DELETE waver, the PA of me,) started to run with me. (DELETE It) I was so, so sorry and thankful for him. However, I was OUT OF TIME (DELETE time outed); I came in (DELETE in) AT 34 minutes and 40 seconds.
NOW THAT I'M IN KMLA, (DELETE With these episodes, also with the fact that I’m in KMLA), this photo reminds me of my life in my hometown and that extreme situation I met during the race. I think I’m not running as hard as I WAS AT that time. I'M NOT AS OVERCOME WITH A SENSE OF URGENCY. BUT, I’ll run harder (DELETE than that), and I will succeed my dream of ENTERING university. FORWARD TOWARDS MY CHALLENGE, I KEEP RUNNING MY RACE.
Structurally, this is very good, as is the content. Accessible and fun to read, I enjoyed hearing about your challenges with the bits of humor provided. It's very humbly and metaphorical, as you apply the "race" to your life and your future. Life truly is a race and a challenge we have to prepare for. Sometimes we lag behind a little. With effort and preparation, we can find some speed and surprise ourselves.
답글삭제You follow the prompt as well, and do address the photo, telling the story about it. Good work on this. It seems you truly understand the point of the exercise.
The only drawback of this is essay is the grammatical stuff, so do try and make the changes above.
All in all, your best essay this year.
One last thing, make sure you paragraphs looks nice by leaving spaces in between. And do make sure every paragraph is tidy and compact. Just like I have done above.
답글삭제